


ballet shoes and broken things: a healer

by glitteratiglue



Series: catching the stars in their hands [2]
Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: The Next Generation (Movies)
Genre: Backstory, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Families of Choice, Female-Centric, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4042372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitteratiglue/pseuds/glitteratiglue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Though she has suffered, she has never let it define her.</p><p>(How Beverly Crusher found her place in the world.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	ballet shoes and broken things: a healer

Beverly is a born dancer: her feet are never still, and she is always dreaming that they will carry her to far-off places. At age four, her satin ballet shoes touch the bare boards of a sprung floor for the first time, and she soars to the stars and beyond.

 _Light on her feet_ is how her dance teachers have always described her, from the lightness in her step that comes from the years she spent in the lower gravity of Copernicus City, on Earth's moon. She remembers little about those years and when she thinks back, all she can recall is all those dance classes she attended: jazz, ballet, contemporary, and others she forgets.

She is eight, in the principal's office and there is a familiar, gentle hand on her shoulder; her grandmother Felisa. When they tell her that her parents have died in a lab accident – an unforseeable tragedy – she nods, dry-eyed, not yet understanding how her world will change. Felisa wraps her arms around her and holds tight, quietly sobbing on her granddaughter's shoulder. They leave Luna a week later, and all Beverly can think is that she will miss the spring dance recital (the true weight of her loss will sink in much later, when she learns what it is to cry so much that your entire body aches).

The next few years are a blur of loneliness and isolation; they never stay anywhere long enough to make friends, and quiet, serious Beverly is an easy target for her cruel classmates who fear her intellect. She is a nomad, shifting from place to place, from Arvada III (she doesn't like to think about that) to Caldos and finally, Earth. The bullying leaves deep scars on her heart, but she knows Felisa did her best under difficult circumstances and prays for the day when she will be able to rise above all those who taunted her.

Despite the science backgrounds of her parents, a medical career is not a natural choice for Beverly – when she helped Felisa treat the Arvadan colonists on that godforsaken rock, she would frequently excuse herself to vomit, her stomach roiling from the scents and sounds of death.

That all changes when she is twelve and Dr Lara Kal, chief medical officer of the medical frigate _USS Lister_ visits her class during careers week. Beverly Howard is mesmerised by the conviction and purpose in the woman's eyes; it's the moment she decides that she is going to be a chief medical officer on a starship. She overcomes her squeamishness, throws herself into her studies and at night, she dreams of stars, galaxies and the the hum of warp engines beneath her feet.

She learns to ignore the bullies, because she knows that one day, her feet are going to take her places beyond anything they can ever dream of. Beverly shuts herself away from others, keeps to herself and walls off her heart so the things she loves can never be used against her. It is a lonely existence, but when she passes her Starfleet entrance exam, she stares out of the starbase window, her eyes shining, and knows that out here in the vastness of space is her home.

On her first night at the academy, while her fellow cadets are sad and homesick, she stares out of her tiny window at the twinkling lights of the San Francisco Bay, and feels like she is one step closer to a world she belongs in.

In addition to her gruelling officer training and medical studies, Beverly crams her calendar full of extracurriculars, because she is nothing if not an overachiever. She becomes captain of the tri-d chess club and takes a keen interest in mok'bara, dance, rhythmic gymnastics and even gardening (Boothby once tells her that she has the best eye for cultivating Andorian roses he's ever seen).

She starts to let people in, and learns what it is to have friends you can trust with your life, but has little time for anything but casual romantic relationships: her path is clear and she will let nothing derail her from it.

Jack suits her just fine; he makes her laugh and he is easy and uncomplicated, not to mention self-assured enough not to mind when she gets straight out of his bed after and starts reading her lecture notes. As the months sneak by, he works his way into her heart without her noticing; he starts to occupy her thoughts more and more, and she finds herself daydreaming about his bright smile, the touch of his hands on her skin. Beverly compartmentalises her feelings for him until she can't anymore, and is forced to break things off. It devastates him, and she pretends not to care; she has gotten good at pretending over the years.

Discovering that she is pregnant brings two realisations; first, she actually wants this baby, and second, by some cruel trick of fate, she has fallen in love with Jack Crusher. Though he is young and far less sensible than she is, Jack stands by her and surpasses her expectations enough that she agrees to marry him.

She faces the whispers and stares on campus, wears the hideous maternity version of the cadet's uniform without complaint, and works as hard in all her classes as she ever did. It's difficult to balance a family with a Starfleet career and flexibility over postings in the early years of your career is almost impossible. But Beverly Crusher is going to prove she can have it all, and let the naysayers say what they will.

Together, they raise Wesley, and negotiate the maze of separate starship and planetside postings as they try to get their careers off the ground. Felisa is a godsend, and happily ferries her small grandson from starbase to ship to outpost in those first uncertain years. It's a fine balancing act, and one they don't always manage to get right – Beverly isn't there for Wesley's first steps and Jack misses all his birthdays – but somehow, despite all the bad timing and disappointments, they learn to be successful partners and parents.

If the first loss in her life was a blur, the second one is sharp and clear - a surgical strike that knocks her out of orbit.

Silent and still, she listens to Captain Picard explain the circumstances of Jack's death in a dispassionate monotone while he looks at a spot over her shoulder. As much as Jack thought the world of the man, she has never had much time for Jean-Luc's starchy, awkward manner, especially not now when she has a sobbing five-year-old boy clinging to her leg, begging to know when his father will come back. Looking back, she will recall the quiet agony written all over Jean-Luc's face that she pretended not to see.

After that day, there is a new heaviness in her step and she stops dancing.

In the hell of the after, it is hard to remember that she is strong enough to carry this pain and that she will survive it. She anaesthetises her grief, shuts it away in a dark place and tries to keep it there. More often than not, it is the presence of the little boy with Jack's eyes that reminds her that there is still something worth living for.

She does not know then that the best years of her life are still ahead of her, that she will learn to be stronger than she ever thought she could be.

Wesley grows into a remarkably well-adjusted young man. With every day that passes, he reminds her more of Jack; he has his father's optimism and quick mind, and thankfully, her enthusiasm for science and medicine.

For her son and for herself, she casts off her old life and sets about building some new dreams for them both. She _will_ not let the tragedies of her life defeat her.

She heals others, but does not yet understand how to heal herself.

Beverly Crusher climbs the ranks and distinguishes herself. The first person that mistakes her gentle bedside manner for a lack of authority regrets it; she gets herself a reputation for being tough but fair with new medical recruits. She gets her third pip and makes chief medical officer by forty; it was always part of her plan – being widowed and a mother wasn't, but as always, she adapts.

On the _Enterprise-D _,_ _ she faces the new challenge of managing a large team of medical staff and loves every bit of it. She rediscovers her love for science; she researches and publishes, and shares the thrill of new discoveries with her colleagues and her talented son.

With a new crew comes wonderful friendships. From day one, she has never had to pretend with Deanna, because she sees every part of her and accepts them all. She learns that with a good friend, you can let down your walls without fear that they will judge you. They become closer than sisters, and in the years to come they will share each other's triumphs and support each other through difficult times.

Will, Worf and Geordi are the brothers she never had but always wanted, and Data is her partner in crime, with a scientist's curiosity and the playful nature of a child that so often helps her see a situation with fresh eyes.

For Wesley, there is a whole new family. He flourishes on the _Enterprise_ under the watchful eye of them all, and especially Will Riker; she will always be grateful for his kindness towards her son, and the way he carefully nurtures Wesley's precocious abilities from day one. The crew take Wesley on as one of their own, and in turn, he helps them to see the best parts of themselves, as children so often do.

At first, things are awkward with the captain, and it wasn't as if she didn't expect them to be; she always knew how he felt about her. She takes the Starfleet Medical job as a way of avoiding the situation; when she inevitably returns, it is obvious that Jean-Luc has missed her even if he does not say it. In time, he drops his guard around her, and she is surprised to find that under the aloof surface is a man of great compassion and humour. In her worst moments, she will come to rely on their friendship, and in turn she is there for him, a steady presence throughout the horrors of his Borg assimilation and his torture at the hands of the Cardassians. They learn to read each other, but never quite figure out where the lines of their relationship begin and end.

Beverly papers over the holes in her heart and learns to smile again.

For once, she does not have to hide away the darker parts of herself, because so many of her friends have known loss, too, and like her, they have learned how to live with its shadow hanging over them. When they lose good people along the way, she finds it in herself to be the calm anchor who holds everyone together (they never know that she blames herself for Tasha for the longest time, a quiet shame that she bears silently).

Time takes the sharpness from her grief; she will never be the person she was before she lost her husband, but since then she has learned to exist in a new, braver way. She puts away her pictures of Jack and learns to set his memory aside. He will always be with her, but she let the loss of him weigh her down for too many years, and finally, she can breathe again.

One day, she goes to the holodeck alone and runs a dance program. Afterwards, she is sweaty and aching, but it's the most alive she has felt in a long time. She remembers that her feet can move with lightness, and that she can soar. Wanting to share her passion with others, she starts teaching salsa and ballroom classes (even Worf turns up week after week, despite his protests that it is not dignified for a Klingon to engage in such a frivolous activity).

Life happens around her. Her son leaves to traverse a path far beyond human understanding, but she has always trusted him to know his own mind, and so she lets him go even while it wrenches her somewhere deep within. Watching Will and Deanna grow back together, she thinks of Jack and hopes they will have many more years together than she was gifted.

Through all the new worlds, new missions and dangers, Beverly finds solace in her work. She patches up her crew and helps them to be brave when they have forgotten how to be. Itching for a new challenge, she updates her skills with weapons training and volunteers for extra shifts on the bridge and dangerous away missions. As much as she loves practising medicine, sometimes she enjoys the power and responsibility of command even more.

Most of the time, the lives she saves make up for the ones she can't. Sometimes, it is harder for her to believe that. She loses Felicia, and with her, her last link to her old life, and then Data - the most shocking one of all - a loss that tightens her chest and makes her breathing falter. To know that there is often no reason for the random acts of the universe does not make them any easier to bear.

When the unthinkable happens and Alyssa's husband dies, they sit up all night holding each other and she promises her that she can live through it. In time, Alyssa finds the strength to raise her son alone, and when she contacts her former mentor on subspace to say she has passed her exams to become a doctor, Beverly has never been more proud.

And always, there is Jean-Luc; her walls could never keep him out. When they finally give up pretending and acknowledge what's been there all along, it is on her own terms, because she has never let anyone own her, and she is not about to start now.

Sometimes she wonders why they waited so long, and then she remembers how it took them all those years to get past the hurt of Jack. They are so alike; both proud and stubborn and self-sufficient to a fault, but somehow, slowly and surely, they find a way to be happy together. It it not easy, but it is better than she ever imagined it could be.

She is a healer who has spent her life giving strength to others, even when she felt like she had none herself. Now she knows that she had that strength all along, and no-one can take that from her.

Though she has suffered, she has never let it define her.

Beverly Crusher still dances; the satin pointe shoes in her drawer are testament to that. She is living her dreams every day, with stars outside her window and lightness in her feet and her heart.


End file.
